How to Overcome Bitterness as a Dad: David and Saul

Series: From the Pasture to the Palace

SESSION 30 – Sermon: The Booby Trap of Bitterness 

•  Pastor Josh  •  September 27, 2026  •  https://www.youtube.com/live/7LCn7EsKNg8

📖 Key Scripture

• 1 Samuel 18:6–12 (NLT) — Saul’s jealousy toward David begins to turn into hostility.
• 1 Samuel 19:1–12 (NLT) — Saul’s hostility escalates, and David must flee.
• 1 Samuel 24:1–8 (NLT) — David has an opportunity to kill Saul but refuses to take Saul’s life.
• Romans 12:17–21 (NLT) — Do not repay evil with evil; leave vengeance to God and overcome evil with good.

⏱️ 90-Minute Flow

💬 Welcome / Connection Questions

1. What is something small that can get under your skin way more than it should?

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• When someone hurts you, what is your most natural response—withdraw, confront, retaliate, replay it, or try to fix it?

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• Have you ever realized later that something from years ago was still affecting how you respond today?

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🙏 Opening Prayer

Father, thank You that You see every wound we carry and every situation we do not know how to handle. Give us wisdom as we look at David’s story. Show us where we have picked up things You never asked us to carry. Teach us to respond to hurt without becoming bitter, to forgive without pretending wrong is right, and to trust You with justice. Make us dads whose responses point our wives and children toward Jesus. Amen.

📖 Sermon Context

Last week, we watched David face Goliath by looking at the size of his God instead of the size of his giant. This week, the battle becomes more personal. Before the dust has settled, Saul becomes jealous of David. The man David served faithfully begins to suspect him, oppose him, and repeatedly try to kill him.

The sermon’s central image is the spear. Saul throws it at David. David has every human reason to be angry. He has been lied about, betrayed, pushed into hiding, and forced to live on the run. Yet David does not pick up the spear and throw it back.

That is the trap of bitterness. Someone else can throw a wound into our lives, but we can choose whether we carry it. If we carry it long enough, the wound can begin to shape our identity, our reactions, our marriages, and even the way we father our children.

David’s story also gives us an important distinction: forgiveness does not mean becoming vulnerable to continued harm. David eventually flees Saul. He can release vengeance to God and still use wisdom and boundaries. And when David later has an opportunity to kill Saul, the men around him interpret that opportunity as God’s confirmation. David listens more carefully. He recognizes that an opportunity is not automatically confirmation.

The question for us as dads is simple but difficult: What do we do with the spear?

🛠 Scripture Teaching

David Refused to Pick Up the Spear (Bitterness)

Saul’s spear was more than a weapon. In the sermon, it becomes a picture of the things people throw at us—lies, insults, betrayal, rejection, unfair treatment, abandonment, accusations, or wounds from years ago.

David had a choice. He could pick up what had been thrown at him and become a spear-thrower too, or he could refuse to let Saul’s behavior determine the man he was becoming.

Romans 12 gives us the New Testament framework: “Never pay back evil with more evil.” The goal is not passivity. The goal is refusing to let someone else’s evil recruit us into the same pattern.

Write down one “spear” you may be carrying:

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Forgiveness Does Not Mean Unlimited Access

David did not retaliate against Saul, but David also did not remain in Saul’s presence and pretend the danger was harmless. He escaped. That distinction matters for fatherhood and for real relationships.

Forgiveness is not the same thing as saying that what happened was acceptable. It is not the same thing as removing consequences, instantly restoring trust, or giving someone unlimited access to your life. A dad can release vengeance to God and still establish wise boundaries.

That distinction is especially important when the wound involves serious betrayal, abuse, addiction, or ongoing destructive behavior.

Where do you need both grace and wisdom?

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Don’t Let Hurt (Bitterness) Distort Your Hearing

In 1 Samuel 24, David’s men see an opportunity: Saul is vulnerable, and David could kill him. They interpret the opportunity as God delivering Saul into David’s hands. David sees something different.

The sermon presses an important idea: opportunity is not confirmation.

When we are hurt, even well-intended advice can become distorted by the pain we are carrying. David had to hear through the hurt. He had to discern God’s voice rather than simply follow the advice that made the most sense in the moment.

The same principle applies to dads. Hurt can make revenge sound like justice, withdrawal sound like wisdom, and anger sound like courage. We need God’s voice to be louder than our wounded instincts.

What decision are you currently making while carrying strong emotions?

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Leave Justice in God’s Hands

Romans 12:17–21 tells believers not to repay evil with evil, to live at peace as far as it depends on us, and not to take revenge. That does not mean pretending evil does not matter. It means refusing to make ourselves the final judge and executioner.

David trusted God with Saul. He did what was right in front of him, protected himself when necessary, and refused to take revenge into his own hands.

That posture frees a dad to pursue what is right without being controlled by the need to get even.

Romans 12:17–21 (NLT): https://www.bible.com/bible/116/ROM.12.17-21.NLT

Jesus Is the Ultimate Example

David points beyond himself. The sermon describes David as a foreshadowing of Jesus—the true King who would be betrayed, lied about, unjustly treated, and ultimately crucified without retaliating.

Isaiah describes the suffering servant as one who was led like a sheep to slaughter without defending Himself through retaliation. Jesus did not merely teach forgiveness; He purchased our forgiveness. His grace gives us a different way to respond to the people who hurt us.

Because of Jesus, we do not have to carry every wound, repay every offense, or make ourselves responsible for getting everything even.

Isaiah 53:7 (NLT): https://www.bible.com/bible/116/ISA.53.7.NLT

2 Corinthians 5:17 (NLT): https://www.bible.com/bible/116/2CO.5.17.NLT

Romans 10:9 (NLT): https://www.bible.com/bible/116/ROM.10.9.NLT

💬 Group Discussion

Bitterness Discussion Questions:

What does “picking up the spear” look like in a dad’s life today?

Starting Thought: The spear may be an old insult, a betrayal, a criticism, a family wound, or a story we keep replaying. What changes when we stop carrying what someone else threw at us?

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Related BeTheDads Resource: How to Forgive like Dads Who Choose to When It’s Hard — https://bethedads.com/2026/05/how-to-forgive-like-dads-who-choose-to-when-its-hard/

What is the difference between refusing retaliation and refusing to address wrongdoing?

Starting Thought: David did not retaliate, but he also did not stay in Saul’s reach. How can a dad forgive someone while still using appropriate boundaries, accountability, or consequences?

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Related BeTheDads Resource: How to Forgive like Dads Who Choose to When It’s Hard — https://bethedads.com/2026/05/how-to-forgive-like-dads-who-choose-to-when-its-hard/

Why can bitterness feel like justice while actually becoming a trap for the person carrying it?

Starting Thought: Sometimes we replay the offense because we want the other person to finally understand how much they hurt us. What happens to us when they never do?

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Related BeTheDads Resource: How to Forgive like Dads Who Choose to When It’s Hard — https://bethedads.com/2026/05/how-to-forgive-like-dads-who-choose-to-when-its-hard/

In 1 Samuel 24, David’s men called the opportunity to kill Saul a sign from God. Why is “opportunity is not confirmation” important?

Starting Thought: A door opening does not automatically mean God wants us to walk through it. Where do you need to slow down and seek God’s wisdom instead of simply acting on what is available?

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Related BeTheDads Resource: Unlock the Season of Preparation God Won’t Waste — https://bethedads.com/2026/09/unlock-the-season-of-preparation-god-wont-waste/

How can hurt (bitterness) distort the way we hear advice from other people?

Starting Thought: When we are wounded, advice that confirms our anger can feel especially wise. What helps you hear God clearly when your emotions are loud?

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Related BeTheDads Resource: How to Conquer Fear of Giants (David vs Goliath) — https://bethedads.com/2026/09/how-to-conquer-fear-of-giants-david-vs-goliath/

What does your response to being wronged teach your kids about following Jesus?

Starting Thought: Your kids may not know the whole story, but they see whether Dad keeps score, explodes, withdraws, forgives, apologizes, sets boundaries, or prays. What are they learning from you right now?

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Related BeTheDads Resource: How to Raise Kids Who See Jesus, Not Just Rules — https://bethedads.com/2026/09/how-to-raise-kids-who-see-jesus-not-just-rules/

Where is God asking you to trust Him with justice instead of trying to make things even yourself?

Starting Thought: What would change if you believed that you do not have to be the one who makes everything right?

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Related BeTheDads Resource: How to Forgive like Dads Who Choose to When It’s Hard — https://bethedads.com/2026/05/how-to-forgive-like-dads-who-choose-to-when-its-hard/

If your wife and kids watched your response to the person who has hurt you, what would you want them to learn?

Starting Thought: Think beyond what you say. What does your tone, your silence, your conversations, and your private thought life teach them about grace, justice, and trust in God?

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Related BeTheDads Resource: How to Raise Kids Who See Jesus, Not Just Rules — https://bethedads.com/2026/09/how-to-raise-kids-who-see-jesus-not-just-rules/

📌 Bitterness Key Takeaways

• Don’t Pick Up What Was Thrown at You — Someone else’s wound does not have to become your identity. You can acknowledge what happened without carrying it forever.
• Forgiveness and Boundaries Can Coexist — Releasing vengeance to God does not require restoring trust instantly or remaining in an unsafe or destructive situation.
• Opportunity Is Not Confirmation — A door opening is not automatically God’s direction. Hurt can distort discernment, so slow down and seek God.
• God Is Better at Justice Than We Are — Romans 12 calls us away from revenge and toward honorable action, peace, and trust in God.
• Your Kids Are Watching Your Response to Hurt — They will learn what following Jesus looks like partly by watching how Dad handles conflict, betrayal, disappointment, and forgiveness.

🛠 Bitterness Practical Applications

• God First: Bring the wound to God before bringing it to everyone else. Ask Him to search your heart, expose bitterness, and give you wisdom. Read Romans 12:17–21 and pray through it.
• Wife Second: Do not make your wife pay for wounds someone else caused. If old hurt is affecting your marriage, name it honestly rather than withdrawing, punishing, manipulating, or keeping score.
• Kids Third: Let your kids see healthy repentance, forgiveness, truth-telling, and boundaries. Do not recruit them into your bitterness or use them as an audience for unresolved conflict.
• Everything Else: At work, church, friendships, and extended family, practice honorable responses. You can be clear about wrong without becoming controlled by revenge.

🎯 Dad Challenge of the Week

Don’t hold onto Bitterness – Lay Down the Spear

1. Identify one “spear” you have been carrying. It may be an insult, betrayal, disappointment, accusation, rejection, or old wound.
2. This week:
   • Name the hurt before God.
   • Identify what you have been carrying—anger, resentment, shame, revenge, replaying the offense, or an old accusation.
   • Ask God what obedience looks like now: forgiveness, apology, a truthful conversation, a boundary, accountability, or simply releasing revenge to Him.
   • Pray for the person without taking responsibility for fixing them.
   • Ask yourself: “What would my wife and kids see differently if I laid this spear down?”

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📝 A Dad’s Heart Check

☐ Am I carrying something God never asked me to carry?

☐ Am I throwing back what was thrown at me?

☐ Am I letting hurt tell me what God is saying?

☐ Am I confusing an opportunity with confirmation?

☐ Am I trusting God with justice?

☐ Am I modeling the response I want my kids to learn?

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🙏 Closing Prayer

Father, thank You for meeting us in the places where we have been hurt. Thank You that we do not have to carry every wound, replay every offense, or make ourselves responsible for getting even.

Search our hearts and show us where bitterness has taken root. Give us the courage to lay down the spear. Teach us to forgive without pretending wrong is right, to establish wise boundaries when they are needed, and to trust You with justice.

Most of all, thank You for Jesus. We were the ones who needed forgiveness, and You made a way through the cross. Because of Your grace, we can live differently. Make us dads whose wives experience grace, whose kids see Jesus, and whose lives point people back to You.

In Jesus’ name, amen.

📚 Related BeTheDads Resources

How to Conquer Fear of Giants (David vs Goliath): https://bethedads.com/2026/09/how-to-conquer-fear-of-giants-david-vs-goliath/

Unlock the Season of Preparation God Won’t Waste: https://bethedads.com/2026/09/unlock-the-season-of-preparation-god-wont-waste/

How to Raise Kids Who See Jesus, Not Just Rules: https://bethedads.com/2026/09/how-to-raise-kids-who-see-jesus-not-just-rules/

How to Forgive like Dads Who Choose to When It’s Hard: https://bethedads.com/2026/05/how-to-forgive-like-dads-who-choose-to-when-its-hard/

📖 Additional Scripture

• Isaiah 53:7 (NLT): https://www.bible.com/bible/116/ISA.53.7.NLT
• 2 Corinthians 5:17 (NLT): https://www.bible.com/bible/116/2CO.5.17.NLT
• Romans 10:9 (NLT): https://www.bible.com/bible/116/ROM.10.9.NLT
• Psalm 103:12 (NLT): https://www.bible.com/bible/116/PSA.103.12.NLT

📋 Leader Notes

Key Themes to Emphasize

• Do not pick up the spear. The first question is what the dad is carrying, not what the other person deserves.
• Forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation, restored trust, or unlimited access.
• Opportunity is not confirmation. Encourage men to slow down when hurt is influencing discernment.
• God is better at justice than we are. Romans 12 does not call us to ignore wrong; it calls us to refuse personal vengeance.
• The gospel is not an appendix. David points toward Jesus, whose response to betrayal and sin provides the model and the power for a different life.

What to Watch For

• This topic can surface deep wounds, including betrayal, estrangement, divorce, abuse, or longstanding family conflict. Do not pressure a dad to disclose details publicly.
• Do not minimize serious wrongdoing in the name of forgiveness. Forgiveness and appropriate protection, consequences, accountability, and professional or pastoral support can coexist.
• Keep the conversation focused on each man’s response before God rather than turning the group into a trial of the person who hurt him.
• If a dad describes ongoing danger or abuse, encourage appropriate pastoral and professional support rather than treating the group discussion as sufficient care.

Timing Guide

BeTheDads • We don’t have to be perfect dads. We can be dads who grow together.